My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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