So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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