the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
