One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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