So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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