i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She told me I should be a condom model.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
