I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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