So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
