my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I cannot find my penis.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize