I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
