you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
