The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize