I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Every concussion has its silver lining
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
