Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize