Apparently you make a good broom.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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