Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
