Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
