yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
