1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
