I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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