and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
