Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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