went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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