Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize