Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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