I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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