Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
