maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
