Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
