Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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