You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
