i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
