You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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