ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
