I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize