I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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