you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sext me about skeletons
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
