My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
