Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
