Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
