I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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