TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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