Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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