OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize