see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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