She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize