I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
