I wish I could teleport
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
