I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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