sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
