it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
