dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
there is glitter all over my balls
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