I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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