btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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