I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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