Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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