That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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