I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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