Plan B is the new Plan A
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
