Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
