i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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