He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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